to be heard, to connect and feel validated

So to continue on my previous entry, I had a breakthrough in therapy on friday.
I realized that my anger was from feeling misunderstood - and that my therapist, of all people - the person I regarded as knowing me the most and most truthfully, had so grossly misunderstood me and thought me capable of something I myself think I would never do.

It felt like the biggest betrayal of what I had entrusted her with - myself.

This realization was - perhaps very simply put, the need to be connected with other humans and the need to feel understood. And it hurt so much to see that even the person who I felt knew me better than anyone else in my life could completely misunderstand me, use my words against me and take away the safe world we had developed over 5 years.

So here I am - after years of struggling to undersatnd the grief and pain in my life, the aloneness and anger, the feelings of guilt and lack of connection. And ultimately, I think it all comes down to needing to connect, communicate, feel heard and validated. That is what I need and want.

So I went on this date last night. I was excited about it - it was a first in a while where I actually felt attracted to the man. And I went in to it with the thought - what I want from this is to connect. I want to find someone who is willing to connect with me, communicate openly, validate me and listen to me - and I want to give that in return.

It puts a foundation on dating that i hadn't had before - but also raises the stakes of the game. I'm putting myself out there in hopes that I will be met with equal yearning and hopes. The chances I think are slim but we shall see.

It was a good date all told though (and perhaps this is my fault) I felt I did most of the listening and he didn't ask too much about me. So I don't know if that is because I supported his talking or whether he wasn't interested. Hmmm. I also have to remember that I don't record the good bits. I bet there were some nuggets in there that I forgot about. I hope so. I think I like him.

Note to self:

It's about being understood. Feeling understood. Connecting with someone in such a way that I feel partnered, heard, understood. To be elaborated on.

anger, numbness and false control

i feel the strong pull to numb. any. way. i. can.
heady happiness running fast.
vicodin if it weren't for the night sweats
wine
ativan
codeine
numb
anger
happiness in solitude
a fake power over my aloneness

my stomach is cramping from the codeine cough syrup i drank.
i'm trying to relax it with wine.

why can't i be loved?

Reality based on truth

Question:
If reality is a mutually agreed upon truth

and we all have our own unique truth

then what is reality?


If every person's experience is unique then how can there be a universal truth?
and what does that say about "reality"?
what the fuck is reality?!

note: I'm am not high or on any substance other than food, coffee and soda.

Anger, independance and understanding

The most influential person in my adult life has been my therapist of the last 5 years. I don't know if I would be here to write this had I not had her help, clarity, care and wisdom. I love her dearly and am so grateful for everything she has been to me over the last years. Which is why the rift that occurred over the last two weeks has been so difficult and will continue to be a huge learning process for me.

I mentioned in my previous post that I've lost 120lbs over the last year. With the weight loss has come major changes in my mood, life and shifting/evolving interests and desires. I've become more social, I’ve started dating for the first time in my life (yes, I’m 39 years old and never dated), I'm trying to "do" more things - like go to exhibits, events, etc. This is all wonderful and a part of my healing and something I want for my life. I want to be active and interested.

I also need a lot of down time. I think I need more than most people. Time to literally do nothing, with no commitments (which sounds funny even writing it as compared to the average person, I have nothing demanding my time except work and that which I choose to participate in). So, I started thinking that perhaps I don't want to go to therapy twice a week. I go every thursday and friday. I thought perhaps I might drop every other friday and see how it felt.

I've been feeling more positive and capable in dealing with the ups and downs that life brings. Where before I might have nose-dived into depression because of something, I now feel more even-keeled and flexible - open to the shifting of moods and emotions rather than being consumed by more drastic swings.

I also began feeling that I might know more than my therapist. I may have surpassed her in wisdom. Yes, I know how wrong that could and does sound but sometimes I just feel like "shit, I've been through a lot and feel like I know a lot". And honestly, some of her words started sounding canned - more psycho-lingo than insight and truth. So I thought - hmm, it would be nice not to have to come every friday. I started resenting her for having to come which I knew was stupid as it's my choice to come so I need to take responsibility if I come or not.

With that in mind (the taking of responsibility), I opened up the idea to her. "Can we talk about and consider the idea of me coming every other friday?" We talked about it in that first session and she wasn't supportive of the idea but we were discussing it. The ending thought being that the holidays are upon us and with her being out and vacation days, it would work out to being similar to my request so let's see how that went and continue to conversation in the new year.

Between that first conversation and the intervening days, I began to feel resentful and angry. There were other things that happened as well that made me feel like she wasn't supporting me or thinking about me. It started to feel very much like it was "all about her". She asked if I could come earlier on thursdays (duh, I’d been saying how work was stressful and there's no way for me to leave earlier [I just went back and reread the messages. I originally had thought she meant on a reoccurring basis and it's clear now that it was just that thursday]). Then I get an email from her who's subject line was "Don't come early" - and it was clear from the contents of the email that she was seeing a co-worker (long story) - and it felt like a double stab. She'd always taken great pains to avoid us running into each other and respecting our privacy so the fact that she would schedule this person directly before me felt like a kick in the teeth.

SO... I went to my scheduled appt (waiting in my car till I saw my co-worker leave so as to avoid a f2f). We talked again about the "every other friday" and she said some things that were really below the belt. They were personal and unprofessional. She again was insistent that she doesn't work "every other" anything. She doesn't think it works, that she "holds" the time and the regularity of our rhythm. Some of what she said made sense but I got the distinct feeling she was grasping for excuses and that she was grabbing all the control, not allowing me independence - and ugly thought: not wanting to lose me as her patient/client because I'm her success story. ugly thought #2: I feel more wise than her. With her psycho-lingo and sometimes shallow interpretation of what I was saying, I thought "I've surpassed you." This is a bittersweet idea. She has been my wisdom and light for the past 5 years. She has been my rope back to life. The rope that I have clung to and climbed up one hand over the other and sometimes losing my grip.

But then I've gotten tired of everything needing to be analyzed and poured over. Every word (or choice of words) needing some deeper meaning. I want a break from that. I want to feel simple.

SO... (perhaps that should be the name of this blog).

SO... here we are.
I was angry with her and was struggling to make sense of why she acted and reacted in such a hurtful way.
I wasn't ready to say good bye to her - I don't know if I ever will be - so I had to make sense of her reaction.
The only reason that made sense was that she was reacting with emotion. She was emotionally involved with me - and somehow I had hurt her so she had to lash back. It was unskillful (there's that psycho-lingo, argh - i'm guilty of it too). How dare she be mundane enough to get caught like that. She's supposed to offer me the wisdom and the light. Not human anger, hurt and UNSKILLFUL reactions. This was my space to be angry, hurt and unskillful. Not hers.

But I don't want to lose her.
I'm not ready to stop seeing her.
I'm not ready to fly solo.
And because of that, I needed to find some kind of understanding for what she did and some way to forgive her.

I still feel hurt.
Another layer of realness has been added to who she is.
She's not the omnipotent all-knowing, wise protector of me.
She's human.
She's fallible.
She is not perfect.

And I guess the difference is - the small girl that was me who needed a mother who was all-protecting and wise and infallible and all-knowing and perfect is now an adult who still wanted that but needs to be adult enough to understand the humanness of her mother and her beloved therapist. To take responsibility for my part in causing the hurt, for seeing where I misunderstood some of the story line and possibly, most importantly, for allowing her humanness.

Can she be human and still help me?
Perhaps we have moved beyond the days of her as lifeline but I think I still need her.
My thursday and (maybe every other) friday are where I find my balance. They are where I (re)find myself in between the days and moments where I become surface. I still have difficulty maintaining contact with the deeper parts of myself. There is a strong pull to the surface. To appearances. To fun. To freedom. To feeling nothing. Such a strong pull towards feeling nothing. And it is work to feel. To want to feel. To ask why. what. wherefore. what is this life? what is important?

for that, i need you.
with tears and love and need.
i am wiser. i am better. i am alive.
you are my insides calling out.
the constant knocking - who are you, what do you want, what is IT?
i am not disciplined enough yet to do that alone.
thank you for knocking.
i will continue to answer as best i can.

an afterthought

Why is it so very hard to write the truth?
I flinch at reading "I was reborn sometime in the fall of last year" but it is the truth. Why should I shy away from that? Afterall, isn't this an exercise in documenting my personal truth? Here we go.

What I forgot to add is that since October of last year I've lost 120lbs.

It was time for my outside to match my inside.
I had achieved an internal shift and was ready to make the external reflect that shift. Many realizations have come from the process of losing weight - in my relationship to myself, how the world recieves me, and so many other things.

Food is still my drug, companion, friend, and comforter of choice.
Unfortunately.

and so I start

i'm horrible with words.
the minute I write them (or type them in this case) I'm bored with them or, when confronted with having to document my thoughts, it feels instantly artificial. Like: Ok, think now. Write something meaningful that will be worth reading.

I've never been good at "telling" my story - you know how some people are good at making the littlest thing (like going out to get a coffee) seem like the greatest tale. And the problem is, I feel like I need to write down my life's TOC so that you can better understand "the thoughts" I want to document. I'm not quite sure who "you" are if not me... and why I'm doing this on such a public forum. Entirely odd really. Except there's something to be said for sharing one's story. If it's all in my head, what's it worth (except to me and I'd hope that this life, my life, is not solely for me but something larger).

It's been an ongoing preoccupation of mine to sort out exactly where I was when as a child - so forgive the beginning muddlings. Its for my own clarity i suppose.

In list format, the TOC of my life thus far (perhaps then I will be able to flush out the inbetweens):
1968, Summer: Born, Florida

Somewhere around (Sa) 1970: moved to Vermont

Sa 1973: moved to London, UK

Sa 1975: moved back to Vermont

Sa 1977: moved back to London, UK (after parents divorced)

Sa 1979: moved to NYC, attended grades 5 through 8

1983: Attended boarding school in New England, grades 9 through 12

1986: graduated highschool

1986-1987: took a year off to figure out what I wanted to do

1987-89: Didn't figure out what I wanted to be so attended liberal arts college; during third year, discoverd graphic design (not sure to this day how I became aware of this field of work)

1989-1991: Decided I wanted to pursue graphic design because it was something creative that would also allow me to be financially independant so transferred to fine arts college, graduated with a degree in Communication Design

1991: moved to SF bay area, CA and began working as a graphic designer

1995: moved to SF proper; began designing for the "online" world

2001: dotcom crash... out of work for several months; descent into palpable depression begins (a depression whose edge began at moment of birth); explored alternate career as receptionist at an animal hospital

2002, Spring: after years of dizzy spells, weak knees, migraines and more recently double-vision, diagnosed with inoperable brain tumor; had surgery to relieve pressure cause by tumor; no further treatment necessary; depression temporarily lightened thinking end was near.

2002, Winter: upon realizing the brain tumor may not be my ticket out and that I actually could not solve my depression alone, I seek help

2004, Fall: Begin work at inspiring company in my former occupation as designer

Present: I am on the other side of my life's depression; my brain tumor is still there and not doing anything. The emotional, spiritual, and life work I have done in the years between 2002 and now is what I want to write about here (intermingled with random thoughts and other such bits).

And so there we have it.
I shall try to come back often to write down all the thoughts I've had in the years since starting therapy and living again.
I think I was reborn somewhere in the fall of last year.