to be heard, to connect and feel validated

So to continue on my previous entry, I had a breakthrough in therapy on friday.
I realized that my anger was from feeling misunderstood - and that my therapist, of all people - the person I regarded as knowing me the most and most truthfully, had so grossly misunderstood me and thought me capable of something I myself think I would never do.

It felt like the biggest betrayal of what I had entrusted her with - myself.

This realization was - perhaps very simply put, the need to be connected with other humans and the need to feel understood. And it hurt so much to see that even the person who I felt knew me better than anyone else in my life could completely misunderstand me, use my words against me and take away the safe world we had developed over 5 years.

So here I am - after years of struggling to undersatnd the grief and pain in my life, the aloneness and anger, the feelings of guilt and lack of connection. And ultimately, I think it all comes down to needing to connect, communicate, feel heard and validated. That is what I need and want.

So I went on this date last night. I was excited about it - it was a first in a while where I actually felt attracted to the man. And I went in to it with the thought - what I want from this is to connect. I want to find someone who is willing to connect with me, communicate openly, validate me and listen to me - and I want to give that in return.

It puts a foundation on dating that i hadn't had before - but also raises the stakes of the game. I'm putting myself out there in hopes that I will be met with equal yearning and hopes. The chances I think are slim but we shall see.

It was a good date all told though (and perhaps this is my fault) I felt I did most of the listening and he didn't ask too much about me. So I don't know if that is because I supported his talking or whether he wasn't interested. Hmmm. I also have to remember that I don't record the good bits. I bet there were some nuggets in there that I forgot about. I hope so. I think I like him.